A Slightly Irreverent Tourist Guide to Amsterdam
Welcome to Amsterdam
Ah, Amsterdam: the city where bicycles outnumber people, canals outnumber streets, and you will definitely get lost but won’t even mind because you’ll stumble upon a stroopwafel stand. Amsterdam has long been Europe’s favorite blend of historic charm, liberal spirit, and unapologetic quirkiness.
This is your pocket-sized, slightly cheeky guide to making the most of your time in the Dutch capital.
Getting In (Planes, Trains & Tulips)
From Schiphol Airport
First things first: Schiphol Airport. Conveniently located about 20 minutes by train from Amsterdam Centraal, it’s one of the smoothest airport-to-city transfers in Europe. You’ll step off the plane, dodge a few tulip-themed souvenir shops, and within half an hour you can be staring at canals instead of departure boards.
- By Train: The fastest and cheapest option. Trains run every few minutes from Schiphol to Centraal Station. Just follow the yellow signs with trains on them—you can’t miss it.
- By Taxi/Uber: Comfortable, but at Dutch taxi prices you’ll start missing that train.
- By Bus: Handy if you’re staying in the museum district (bus 397). Bonus: it’s red and impossible to confuse with anything else.
Pro tip: Don’t panic if you see “Amsterdam Sloterdijk” or “Bijlmer Arena” on the departures board—they’re just other stations. Unless you’re on an existential journey, stick with “Amsterdam Centraal.”
Arriving by Train
If you’re rolling in from Paris, Berlin, Brussels, or anywhere else in Europe, chances are you’ll arrive at Amsterdam Centraal Station. It’s not just a train hub—it’s a 19th-century Neo-Renaissance palace masquerading as one. Step outside and you’re already in the thick of things: trams waiting out front, canals gleaming nearby, and a tidal wave of bikes zooming past to remind you you’re not in Kansas anymore.
- Orientation tip: The station faces the city center. Walk straight out the front and you’re heading toward Dam Square and the old town.
- Trams & Metro: Right outside the station—perfect for zooming to museums or your Airbnb faster than your luggage wheels can rattle on cobblestones.
- Ferries: Out the back of Centraal (towards the IJ river) are free ferries to Amsterdam-Noord. No ticket required, just hop on like a true local.
Getting Around (Without Getting Flattened)
First rule of Amsterdam: bikes rule everything around you. Cars are rare, trams are lovely, but bicycles? They are the city’s true monarchs. Locals pedal like their lives depend on it, while tourists tend to wobble into canals.
- Walking: Great for soaking in the crooked houses and people-watching. Just remember: the bike lane is not your runway.
- Cycling: If you must, rent a bike, but prepare to be overtaken by a 90-year-old Oma in heels.
- Trams & Ferries: Efficient, cheap, and mercifully bike-free. The ferry across the IJ to Amsterdam-Noord is free and doubles as a mini-cruise.
Must-See (and Must-Snack)
The Canals
UNESCO-listed and wildly photogenic, Amsterdam’s canals are perfect for a boat ride—ideally with cheese and wine, because life is short. Pro tip: avoid the “booze cruises” unless you enjoy stag parties in neon wigs.
Rijksmuseum
The home of Rembrandt’s Night Watch and enough Dutch masters to make you feel like you majored in art history. The building itself looks like a Gothic Hogwarts.
Van Gogh Museum
See Van Gogh’s brushstrokes up close and realize he painted more than just sunflowers. (Though yes, there are plenty of those too.)
Anne Frank House
Sobering, powerful, and unforgettable. Tickets sell out weeks in advance, so don’t assume you can just wander in after your cheese-tasting tour.
Vondelpark
Amsterdam’s green lung. Perfect for picnics, frisbees, and admiring the local wildlife (both feathered and human).
Jordaan District
Cobbled streets, quirky boutiques, hidden courtyards, and cafés that practically beg you to linger. This is Amsterdam at its most “Instagrammable,” if we must use that word.
Eating & Drinking (Beyond Stroopwafels)
- Stroopwafels: A thin waffle filled with caramel goo that makes dentists weep. Get one fresh from a market stall and you’ll never look back.
- Herring: Served raw with onions and pickles. Locals eat it dangling from the air, sword-swallower style. You can try—but maybe stick to a neat little bun version.
- Dutch Cheese: Gouda, Edam, Leerdammer—Dutch cheeses are so good they inspired entire museums. Pair with a canal cruise for maximum smugness.
- Bitterballen: Deep-fried meatballs of mysterious origin. Order with beer and pretend you don’t care what’s inside.
The “Other” Amsterdam
Amsterdam has a reputation for certain… extracurricular activities. Yes, there’s the Red Light District and yes, cannabis cafés exist. But remember: the Dutch are famously pragmatic. For locals, these things are as unremarkable as a loaf of bread. By all means, explore—but try not to behave like it’s Mardi Gras 24/7.
Quick Tips for Survival
- Weather: Amsterdam weather is like a toddler—unpredictable, moody, but occasionally adorable. Pack layers. Always.
- Cash vs. Card: Many places are card-only. That stroopwafel vendor might just wave away your cash with disdain.
- Language: Everyone speaks excellent English. Attempting Dutch is optional but endearing. Just don’t confuse dank je wel (thank you) with dank je wel veel (thank you very much), unless you want to sound like you’re reciting a spell.
- Don’t fall into the canal: It’s not chic.
Final Word
Amsterdam is equal parts elegance and eccentricity. You’ll leave with a phone full of crooked house photos, a newfound appreciation for cycling, and possibly a suitcase that smells faintly of Gouda. Go forth, explore, and for the love of all that is Dutch, look both ways before crossing the bike lane.